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Sunday, 28 June 2009
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cap and gown: amazing grace
There was one thought in particular that was like a virus. With this being the end, the same was being said of some friendships. This kind of thinking was infectious; leading towards a pandemic. The symptoms were noticeable: fluid being produced from the eyes, messy eyeshadow/liner/makeup, quivering lips, furrowed brows, and the occasional "I-know-we'll-remain-bffs" embrace. Mind you, these symptoms were usually typical of women. I think it's safe to say that any concern the male population had was staying under the surface. Luckily for me, I had already experienced this type of psychological warfare. I ended two friendships earlier that school year. But the feeling was nothing new to me. I always felt I was on the verge of losing people. I always prepared myself for when they wouldn't be there for me because now I know that forever doesn't exist.
Arriving at this conclusion took me to a new, more difficult-to-handle idea. What would become of my current friendships? I was moving away soon. College was also about to start around that time. I had a choice; leave and forget or leave and try to hold on. I realized I'm not one to deal with the stress that distance can cause. Everyone's lives was going to start heading in different directions whether I liked it or not. I was accepting of that fact. Then another variable was thrown into the equation. I was friends with people who I would classify as high-maintenance. It was literally a full-time job to be their friend. They behavior was unaccounted for. I almost feel as if these people were put on pedestals because others wanted to get away! These people felt that they were entitled to special treatment. That you must be there for them at all times because that is what you signed up to do. At the time, I never thought of it like that. I always listened, obeyed, let their concerns outweigh my own. I didn't know better. I was like a woman who stayed for the abuse. I made excuses to believe that it was alright. That it was just them being them. Well, it wasn't until a year later did I truly realize that value of friendship. -
Currently
Coming To Terms
By Carolina Liar
Show Me What I'm Looking For
see relatedcap and gown: intro
It's hard to believe that only a year ago I was a fresh high-school graduate. The morning of my graduation I put on my gown thinking about how this thin, navy blue, silk garment wouldn't be enough to conceal my relief; that soon, I will be able throw the past four years deep into the abyss of my mind. It was heavy on my shoulders. It was as if all the drama, torment, and misery from the past years were woven in. Next came the cap. Irony loved me due to my academic achievements, so it decided to give my a golden sash. It was always in sight of my left eye, swaying towards it with every turn and every step I took. The cap was there to hold my thoughts- keep them from escaping. Forcing them to follow my gown to the ground. Forcing them to reflect on my past actions. The honor sash was draped around my neck. It was the icing on the cake, the salt into the wound. It was pinned in place to complete this burdening outfit. In screaming red, "Honors" was embroidered along the bottom left side of the sash. Every time I shifted my body, the "Honors" part would always fold into my body; ashamed and embarrassed. As simple and light this outfit was, it was a straight jacket on my thoughts. It was a terrorist. I was strapped to a vest that held explosive memories- being held ransom until the ceremony was over.
The ride to the ceremony was a blur, actually, the event itself was a blur. There was a lot of escorting, waiting, and tears. This was before we even walked out to our seats. The anticipation was killing me. It wasn't the excitement. I had written off high-school my junior year. Senior year and this diploma are just extra credit. I wanted this to be over before it began. There was little conversation, just the occasional congratulations and good luck. Everyone was too occupied with this being the end. I saw this as the beginning to a new chapter. Yes, you must end before start, but this closing wasn't nearly as dramatic as everyone else was making it. With all the down time, you start wrestling with certain thoughts. Looks like the cap and gown were doing its job.
Saturday, 13 June 2009
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Currently
Hexes for Exes
By Moving Units
Wrong Again
see relatedDon't Take Advantage For Granted
I'm an emotional guy. That's just how I am. I'm moody, bi-polar; I have "that time of the month". I know what it feels to be emotionless. Just numb to the world. Where nothing can hurt you. Side-affect is you can't experience something good. I don't ever want to reach the point where I'm emotionally dull. That's why I show my emotions. If I'm happy, I glow. If I'm pissed, you'll know. If I'm depressed it shows even more. It's not that I seek attention but I don't want to bottle up any emotion I'm experiencing. That's what writing has taught me. As I've become better at expressing myself through pen and paper (in this case the computer screen), I've learned how to express myself physically. I'm saying all this as a preface to this somewhat emotionally charged entry.
For the past few days, I've felt like an utter douche bag jerk motherfucker. Scratch that, an utter selfish douche bag jerk motherfucker. All this was centered on my college decision. To me it wasn't a simple choice of whether or not to go back. It goes deeper. To me, my college career, future career could mean shit to me without people to share it with. I don't like being alone. I mean, I love my alone time, but that's all I want it to be; time separate from my friends. Once that time is up, it's back to reality. It's one of the biggest fears I have recently developed. I'll dive into that later. My underlying dilemma was this: If I didn't go back, it would be selfish. Turning back on all my friends- friend who I, surprisingly, have a great relationship with. Going back was the only rational answer right? Wrong. Not in my world. I've packed up and left town to start over before. This wouldn't be as dramatic but had the same principal. So what seeded this fear of solo?
It's safe to say the worst feeling is the betrayal of a best friend- someone who you trust dearly and love like family. Betrayal of that trust, an unspoken bond, that goes deep, even beyond words. It just is. We just are. A bond that makes us inseparable. Something that powerful can be broken so easily. At least with me. It's a delicate balance; lies I can handle. Everybody does it. I'll be pissed for awhile, but I'll get over it. Constantly making me the butt of jokes, doubting that I can make anything of myself, or anything of that sort doesn't fly. I had to put with that for two years from my so-called best friends. I never understood it. After a while I just stopped caring about them. I was deemed the cold-hearted asshole at this point. I didn't care. They didn't respect me. I had no privacy. They had to know where I was, who I was with, every fucked second of the day. I didn't need a second pair of parents, I hated having the ones I already had. I couldn't put up with their bullshit any longer. I got rid of them. Just like that, I stopped talking to them. My best friends of almost four years...just let them go. There was so much we've been through that in the end, we just couldn't make it.
My senior year was the best year of my life (until my first year at college of course), but also the saddest. Every fucking day I felt like loner. Completely pathetic. It was a new school, a new life. Just what I wanted. I did have a few people I knew there, but I wouldn't call them by best friends to the same extent as I would now. Yea, we knew a lot about each other, was always together, but it didn't feel the same. I basically had no one. I did have one friendship that was still young, but as of now is in full bloom. Like I said, it wasn't the same. It was like coming out of a long-term relationship. I was hurt. I couldn't even utter the words "best friend" let alone "friend". It was really hard for me to trust anyone and open up. I didn't want to. Friendship didn't really have a meaning to me. That word was used as an excuse to get people out of trouble with girlfriends/boyfriends, other friends, and random people. I'm impressionable when I'm vulnerable. That's true of anyone. If you tell yourself that he's abusing because he loves you, you'll start to believe it. I was shown that a friendship has no meaning to people, so why should it matter what I do with it? I don't regret that lapse of judgment.
Without it, I wouldn't have realized that I would be making the biggest mistake in my life. I made this such a big deal because I knew I had great friends, awesome best friends, and that I was about to runaway from it all because it was convenient. I knew I had a good thing, but I couldn't bring myself to accept it. That I wouldn't end up in that same situation. I'm still weary of that fact, but I've mad such great strides with my best friends now. I know I shouldn't go off past experiences, but that is an impression forever left on me. My mind is a terrible thing once I get lost in it. I'll try not to do that so much because now I know it doesn't only affect me, but those around me.
I'm no longer afraid of friendship. I'm not ashamed to call people my best friends. Though I try to refrain from that label because to me, they're more than that. I don't have best friends, I have family. I took that for granted, because I was taken advantage of.
Friday, 12 June 2009
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"it's not like we're dating"
It's been two days. Two days since I've talked to him. Two days since I've stopped caring. It may be a little premature for this decision, but I can make it. Just like he made his. He told me that he was going to Ohio to look at apartments because he may be moving out there. Cool. I guess all this talk about "hoping this turns into something great" was just that- talk. Now every time he gets online, he won't talk to me. I don't get it. How did something with such a great potential for good end up sour? I fell hard so of course I would feel it once I hit bottom. I was used to this feeling. It didn't phase me. I didn't get in that deep. I let my guard down. Well, you just kick-started a sleeping demon. I was entering the dating scene casually. Ha, so much for that. Back to my old self. Searching until someone can hold my attention long enough to get rid of thoughts of you. I don't know why I invested in something so flaky. I had doubts since the beginning. I've made excuses until the end. One last thing, thanks for the inspiration.
Thursday, 11 June 2009
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Life's Rx: Plan B
There’s a few things they failed to tell you,`
Little preparation for these situations.
You’re not graduating out, you’ve graduated in
To this next chapter you’re about to begin.
Welcome to the real world, it’s yours to take,
Whatever version you’ve created, trust me it’s fake.
Your perfect plan, will be put to the test,
The obstacles in place, will they put you to rest?
I never thought I’d see the day,
When I’ve let dreams fade away.
I never thought I’d be the one,
To do nothing and run.
All these stories of success are making me sick,
Unwanted lectures and added pressure.
You can’t tell me that I want this, my decision is unknown,
I have to do this on my own.
I took the first step expected of me,
Fell flat on my face into bliss and misery.
My perfect plan, was put to test,
I have no regrets, here I rest.
I never thought I’d see the day,
When I’ve let dreams fade away.
I never though I’d be the one,
To do nothing and run.
Away from myself and everyone else,
I was always alone, couldn’t recognize help.
Never had people care like you do.
So please forgive me my act may undo.
If the option is mine, and mine alone.
Why is this burden not my own?
The sands have settled, what’s the use?
I’m a fake with no time to tell the truth.
I never thought I’d see the day,
When I’ve let dreams fade away.
I never thought I’d be the one,
To do nothing and run.
deepcreekkid
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- Name: Quentin
- Country: United States
- State: Illinois
- Metro: Dekalb
- Gender: Male
- Member Since: 9/23/2007
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MY BLOG IS FRONT PAGE ON DATINGISH!!!!! AHHHH!!!!!!!!!
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i think all i do is write songs now. i'm not complaining, but i wish i didn't have to take until the summer to find inspiration.
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apparently my trust has a short range.
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