Saturday, 13 June 2009
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Hexes for Exes
By Moving Units
Wrong Again
see relatedDon't Take Advantage For Granted
I'm an emotional guy. That's just how I am. I'm moody, bi-polar; I have "that time of the month". I know what it feels to be emotionless. Just numb to the world. Where nothing can hurt you. Side-affect is you can't experience something good. I don't ever want to reach the point where I'm emotionally dull. That's why I show my emotions. If I'm happy, I glow. If I'm pissed, you'll know. If I'm depressed it shows even more. It's not that I seek attention but I don't want to bottle up any emotion I'm experiencing. That's what writing has taught me. As I've become better at expressing myself through pen and paper (in this case the computer screen), I've learned how to express myself physically. I'm saying all this as a preface to this somewhat emotionally charged entry.
For the past few days, I've felt like an utter douche bag jerk motherfucker. Scratch that, an utter selfish douche bag jerk motherfucker. All this was centered on my college decision. To me it wasn't a simple choice of whether or not to go back. It goes deeper. To me, my college career, future career could mean shit to me without people to share it with. I don't like being alone. I mean, I love my alone time, but that's all I want it to be; time separate from my friends. Once that time is up, it's back to reality. It's one of the biggest fears I have recently developed. I'll dive into that later. My underlying dilemma was this: If I didn't go back, it would be selfish. Turning back on all my friends- friend who I, surprisingly, have a great relationship with. Going back was the only rational answer right? Wrong. Not in my world. I've packed up and left town to start over before. This wouldn't be as dramatic but had the same principal. So what seeded this fear of solo?
It's safe to say the worst feeling is the betrayal of a best friend- someone who you trust dearly and love like family. Betrayal of that trust, an unspoken bond, that goes deep, even beyond words. It just is. We just are. A bond that makes us inseparable. Something that powerful can be broken so easily. At least with me. It's a delicate balance; lies I can handle. Everybody does it. I'll be pissed for awhile, but I'll get over it. Constantly making me the butt of jokes, doubting that I can make anything of myself, or anything of that sort doesn't fly. I had to put with that for two years from my so-called best friends. I never understood it. After a while I just stopped caring about them. I was deemed the cold-hearted asshole at this point. I didn't care. They didn't respect me. I had no privacy. They had to know where I was, who I was with, every fucked second of the day. I didn't need a second pair of parents, I hated having the ones I already had. I couldn't put up with their bullshit any longer. I got rid of them. Just like that, I stopped talking to them. My best friends of almost four years...just let them go. There was so much we've been through that in the end, we just couldn't make it.
My senior year was the best year of my life (until my first year at college of course), but also the saddest. Every fucking day I felt like loner. Completely pathetic. It was a new school, a new life. Just what I wanted. I did have a few people I knew there, but I wouldn't call them by best friends to the same extent as I would now. Yea, we knew a lot about each other, was always together, but it didn't feel the same. I basically had no one. I did have one friendship that was still young, but as of now is in full bloom. Like I said, it wasn't the same. It was like coming out of a long-term relationship. I was hurt. I couldn't even utter the words "best friend" let alone "friend". It was really hard for me to trust anyone and open up. I didn't want to. Friendship didn't really have a meaning to me. That word was used as an excuse to get people out of trouble with girlfriends/boyfriends, other friends, and random people. I'm impressionable when I'm vulnerable. That's true of anyone. If you tell yourself that he's abusing because he loves you, you'll start to believe it. I was shown that a friendship has no meaning to people, so why should it matter what I do with it? I don't regret that lapse of judgment.
Without it, I wouldn't have realized that I would be making the biggest mistake in my life. I made this such a big deal because I knew I had great friends, awesome best friends, and that I was about to runaway from it all because it was convenient. I knew I had a good thing, but I couldn't bring myself to accept it. That I wouldn't end up in that same situation. I'm still weary of that fact, but I've mad such great strides with my best friends now. I know I shouldn't go off past experiences, but that is an impression forever left on me. My mind is a terrible thing once I get lost in it. I'll try not to do that so much because now I know it doesn't only affect me, but those around me.
I'm no longer afraid of friendship. I'm not ashamed to call people my best friends. Though I try to refrain from that label because to me, they're more than that. I don't have best friends, I have family. I took that for granted, because I was taken advantage of.
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