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Thursday, 01 October 2009

  • Currently
    School Boy Humor
    By School Boy Humor
    Cheating Myself
    see related

    please remain content.

    I've been gone for awhile.  An update is in order.  I'm not sure how I've survived without blogging; seeing as how I don't really have anyone I can truly talk to.  That's a whole different story for another time.  But, here's what has been going on in my life since then: second year of college, acquired my first job, my own car,  gained a boyfriend.  For some reason, I feel grown up.

    I'm only a month into my second year of college and I've already reached the conclusion that this year is nothing like the last- in every shape and form.  It's not that I hate it, it's just different.  This year will be more refined, precisely focused.  So long to the weeks erased by inebriation.  So long to the blended days where time is just a fleeting concept.  I feel I'm more in control, but at the same time, I'm not.  I don't drink nearly as much as I used to.  That's a problem, because the night(s) I do, I over-do it.  Other than that, things are....normal.  I'm doing what I should have been doing since the beginning; going to class.  I've increased my track record of going to class, doing the work, even studying.  It's just mundane.  I don't like mundane.  The drone of the day-to-day monotony is mind-numbing.  It doesn't help the only friend I have here is my roommate.  I'm not complaining, neither is he, but we seriously need new/more friends.  I'm surprised we're not sick of being with each other 24/7, almost.  The floor I live on sucks.  I honestly think half the people on here don't even live here.  It's just a drastic change from what I'm used to. I'll adapt, eventually.

    I think it's a combination of school and my newly acquired job.  It's nothing spectacular but it pays, not very well mind you.  It's money I guess.  Plus, I got a car out of it so I can't really complain.  (Other than the fact that my truck sucks oil like a desperate hooker and can't go far distances.  Besides those two drawbacks, I love it.)  I took on this job not for the money, but because I need something to do.  I only have class for either an hour and fifteen minutes a day or for 3 hours and 15 minutes.  I think I need something to fill in those 21+ odd hours.  Might as well get paid for 4.5 hours of busy-work.  But, it's that plus school that makes me feel like I'm finally starting down a path of self-sustainability.  It's another thing new to me.  Wake up, go to class, go directly to work, come home, eat, chat with the roomy, then sleep.  Rinse and repeat.  I guess that's what my life will eventually end up being- like how my parents live.  Career then coming home.  Thinking about my soon-to-be-realized future scares the hell out of me.  In less than 5 years I'll be lawyering somewhere, military or public defenders office in Chicago, or still in law school.  I'm not sure if all this will be shared with someone special.

    Enough about the future.  This is what's present, I'm presently sharing my life with someone.  About damn time, right?  Look who you're telling.  I think I had to grow up to find someone like this.  Both working adults with long time goals in mind.  It's a mature relationship.  Ok so we've only been together for a little over a week, but we've been talking for almost 6 months before hand.  We've met 3 times before I asked him out.  I know this is different because he actually cares about the choices I make, and wants the best for me.  It's a mutual thing though, which makes us work.  Plus we act like regular guys, minus the whole loving each other part.  Yes, I do love him.  I fall for him more every day.  I didn't think I would feel this way about someone again.  He never thought he'd feel this way about a guy, good thing I proved that wrong.  With him, I've thought things I normally don't think about with a guy- that he could be the one.  I can honestly see us living together.  I do wonder how that would turn out considering we see each other once a week, if that.  Again, 'nother story for another time.  Seriously, he said the only way we'd break up is if I cheat on him.  I don't plan on it.  I don't even know why I break up with half the people I do date.   I think I just get bored or they do something to piss me off.  I was just immature, but that's no excuse.  But that was then, and this is now.  Now I have something that will last, hopefully for more than a month.

    It's hard to believe all that has happened in a month.  That I've reached such conclusions with my time-tested, and proven, clairvoyance.  I just hope I don't start being wrong now.  With so much on my plate I'm in a state of equilibrium.  As long as things remain constant, I remain content.

Thursday, 03 September 2009

  • the truth is, you should lie with me.

    That's the title of a Say Anything song that sums up (I think) a lot of what people have experienced on datingish.  You may not have personally experienced this, but the song talks about people saying or doing certain things to get other people in bed.  (It's a pretty good song if you like that kind of music.)

    Lately though, I've been perusing datingish seeing posts talking about how either you don't know what love is, when to say "I love you" , or if it's even worth it.  The sub-context of these articles is that most people say "I love you" or use a relationship as a means to gain sex.  First of all, people who do that should be shot.  That's beyond wrong.  It's lower than low and I've known some grimy people.  Secondly, who honestly says that?  I've never heard of people doing that until I've came to this site.  Maybe I'm naive or just ignorant.  Or gay.  I'm not trying to use my sexuality as an excuse to demean all you straight people.  But think about it.  It's been in the movies; a guy wanting to get in a girls pants by being all romantic and charming wrapping up with them on the bed, just finished making out, him on top of her, then he says "I love you".  Bam.  Insta-screw.

    I know, I know- no one believes television.  (Ha.)  But in the gay community, they just skip the "I love you"s and bang.  I'm not generalizing either, so let the hate commenting begin.  Oh yea, that's called "hooking up".  I hate that.  It has become an epidemic. 

Thursday, 27 August 2009

  • Currently
    The Morning Light
    By Morning Light
    Wake Up!
    see related

    friend vs. family

    I hate having friends. It's such a hassle trying to pretend to like someone; pretending that you actually give a shit about what's coming out of their mouth. I hate it. I hate the word and what it stands for. I hate that you have to tell your friends everything because, well, "we're friends". Like hell I do. I hate that I have to put up with bullshit because "we're friends". I hate wasting time. My time is precious and has no space for falseness.

    Fake friends. Fake friendships. Fake caring.

    I'm above that. I'm blunt about it all. Either I talk to you or I don't. But it doesn't end there. The more I talk to you, that means we get along well and I think you're cool. Good sign. Anything else, just stop trying. Even if we do end up as "friends" and you pull some stunt, I will, and have the right to, flip shit. May it be an invasion of privacy or you just do something to piss me off, I'll call you on it. I have no mercy. I give no warning. Your surprise didn't come with a notice- neither will mine.

    I'm done dealing with children. I'm done trying to please everyone because I have some moral obligation due to some title. I'm done trying to be everything to everyone. I'm done giving without any return. I'm done sticking people into social categories; acquaintances, associates, friends, best friends, best friends for life, etc. It's all bullshit.

    What I'm not saying is that I'm not approachable, friendly, or courteous. I am still all those things. I never turn anyone away. I don't ignore people. I'm not an (complete) asshole contrary to popular belief. If you fail to see how one doesn't influence the other, that is not my problem. This by no means make me two-faced or fake. I'm just a naturally nice person; doesn't mean I go and make friends everywhere I go.

    Those few people who I do know and cherish, aren't friends. I've said this a million times before and I'll say it again and again, they're family. Everyone says that though. Those people who've found the "best friends in the world" make them family. Well, that may not always be the case.

    Think of it this way, family get along great right? Well they also fight the worst. I've have so many "incidents" that we have to be family. There's no sane reason to why we'd still put up with each other. The same goes for your biological family. Here's one I don't think most people realize, you know how you don't tell your parents everything or you brother or sister? (Then again you could be some weird fuck and your family everything.) Well, those in your "adopted" family are the same way. They don't tell you every little detail. Everyone has their reasons, but you love them anyway. That's family. Families always talk about each other, behind their backs, to their faces or both. It all depends on the makeup.

    What I love about my family is we can make something out of nothing every day of the fucking week. There is never a dull moment. Nothing is off limits. Every party is a family reunion. That we are truly there for each other and don't feel that there is some unwritten contract requiring us to do so. We do it because we care about each other. We look out for one another. We drink with each other. We insult each other. We fight each other. We hate each other. We love each other. We don't judge (all the time). We're blunt and brash. We are the shit.

    We wouldn't have it any other way.

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

  • northern exposure: exposed

    Well here it is; here we are. The final days. The countdown coming to an end. It's almost hard to believe that I started that countdown at 40-odd days. It seems so long ago, but came so fast. Maybe I'm lacking in the fun department, but I'm not going to work overtime and try to cram in some fun at the last minute. It's a little too late. Once I had two weeks left, it was too late. Who cares really? I needed this time to grow up. Time I took for granted the months after graduation.

    I needed this time to find myself.

    Summers are time for reflection. I was left with a lot of questions at the end of last semester. Some of the answers came in a timely fashion. Others are a stubborn, continuing process. But, I don't spend all my days wallowing in somber retrospective. Every now and then I stumble upon items, objects that remind me of how things were. Songs, videos, writings, even phrases take me back. All I can do is laugh at these ongoing inside jokes. As that episode closes, all I can do is smile.

    My first year of college was like a Sour Patch Kid, but reverse. It was literally sweet. I was drunk on independence. When I finally sobered up, it was too late- reality hit. The ripples of my actions finally hit me like a tsunami. It wasn't until I almost lost it all, when I realized I was hooked. I was addicted to college.

    Without it I would be nothing.

    So now, one day from departure, I have made a vow to invest my body, mind, and soul into college. Not only for its beneficial social-life, but its most important aspect; the education. If I want to reach my goals, these dreams of mine, I need to regain my self discipline and get to it.

    But...

    As the days turned into hours, counted down to minutes, became seconds, I become anxious. Just when I thought this roller coaster ride was finally over, there's another lift-hill. The anticipation of the drop has my stomach in knots, but the thrill makes me feel alive. I don't know what's over that first hill, but I do know this:

    This isn't going to be the same NIU I once knew and cherished.

    I never knew a second chance would be so;

    removed.Well here it is; here we are. The final days. The countdown coming to an end. It's almost hard to believe that I started that countdown at 40-odd days. It seems so long ago, but came so fast. Maybe I'm lacking in the fun department, but I'm not going to work overtime and try to cram in some fun at the last minute. It's a little too late. Once I had two weeks left, it was too late. Who cares really? I needed this time to grow up. Time I took for granted the months after graduation.

    I needed this time to find myself.

    Summers are time for reflection. I was left with a lot of questions at the end of last semester. Some of the answers came in a timely fashion. Others are a stubborn, continuing process. But, I don't spend all my days wallowing in somber retrospective. Every now and then I stumble upon items, objects that remind me of how things were. Songs, videos, writings, even phrases take me back. All I can do is laugh at these ongoing inside jokes. As that episode closes, all I can do is smile.

    My first year of college was like a Sour Patch Kid, but reverse. It was literally sweet. I was drunk on independence. When I finally sobered up, it was too late- reality hit. The ripples of my actions finally hit me like a tsunami. It wasn't until I almost lost it all, when I realized I was hooked. I was addicted to college.

    Without it I would be nothing.

    So now, one day from departure, I have made a vow to invest my body, mind, and soul into college. Not only for its beneficial social-life, but its most important aspect; the education. If I want to reach my goals, these dreams of mine, I need to regain my self discipline and get to it.

    But...

    As the days turned into hours, counted down to minutes, became seconds, I become anxious. Just when I thought this roller coaster ride was finally over, there's another lift-hill. The anticipation of the drop has my stomach in knots, but the thrill makes me feel alive. I don't know what's over that first hill, but I do know this:

    This isn't going to be the same NIU I once knew and cherished.

    I never knew a second chance would be so;

    removed.

Thursday, 20 August 2009

  • Currently
    So Wrong, It's Right
    By All Time Low
    Let It Roll
    see related

    northern exposure: thawing out

    Ah summer. What a bitch you are. You and life decided to tag team me when I was most vulnerable; on my back, so you could fuck me over as usual. But no, this time summer, you went all out. You and life threatened turning my newly put together life back into shambles. I'd be finding pieces as I was trying to dig myself out of depression. Like hell if I'd let you two-timing, conniving bitches get me during the actual best years of my life.

    But it wasn't fate. I couldn't blame something I don't believe in. I made mistakes and I had to pay for them. It was that simple. I fucked up. Now I must accept the punishment.

    But ha! Loophole! Unlike most rulings, I could appeal this one. What am I talking about? I'm talking about being thrown in education limbo. All my dreams were in the air, literally. My goals halted. My life on pause. I was dismissed from my university in early summer. I accepted it how I usually accepted bad news, I didn't. It was just there, resting on the surface of my flesh; like a second skin. Don't take it the wrong way, I know how to deal with failure. I can't deal with hearing that I have. Either I was "dealing" with it by ignoring or acknowledging it. May have been a little of both.

    But it wasn't until after a well-needed escape with friends did I realize what I could have thrown away. The repercussions of the actions I was considering would have echoed into the lives of my friends. They would be affected by it, because they weren't just friends, they were family. Cliche I know, but we use cliches as a kind of literary self-fulfilling prophecy.

    Back to dilemma part one; dismissal. I'm not gonna lie and say it was some grueling process, where each day felt like a battle. Cause it wasn't. Well, at least to me. Honestly, I could have been in the Caribbean sipping a Mai Tai and forget about it all. (Damn, I should probably do that.) But a close friend of mind had to put in perspective for me. And that's what it takes for me to understand something. I have feel that I'm not there on my own, cause I can't do this on my own. I'll preach independence, but I damn well don't stand for doing this alone. He was there- pushing me to appeal. Giving me hope even when he didn't believe there was any. That is the measure of a true friend and a real man.

    Find the support of a good friend, you'll need every ounce you get.

    Before I put a year to rest in my memory, I evaluate it. I don't go as far as grading myself, but I do compare a year to previous years. I do this to see how I've grown. Being this conscious about your personal growth is something I wish more people would pick up on. Around the end of the spring semester, I lost view of who I was. I needed to see where I put myself in relation to how I wanted to see myself. Was I successful? Was I just? Did I have people call me on my own shit? Am I fundamentally me?

    I don't know.

deepcreekkid

  • Visit deepcreekkid's Xanga Site
    • Name: Quentin
    • Country: United States
    • State: Illinois
    • Metro: Dekalb
    • Gender: Male
    • Member Since: 9/23/2007

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